Therapy Exposed Me

This week we talk about identity beyond roles and responsibilities. From therapy and emotional triggers to fatherhood and values, we unpack what’s left when titles fall away.

It’s an honest conversation about habits, boundaries, and becoming the version of yourself your kids—and your future—can respect.

Thanks for tapping in with The Heavyweight Collective!
Make sure you follow, subscribe, and share with someone who needs this convo. Catch us on all socials for clips, updates, and more behind the mic. https://linktr.ee/TheHeavyweightPodcast

Transcript

Who Are You Beyond Labels

SPEAKER_03 0:00

All right, fellas, today I don't want opinions. I want honesty. Today I want you guys to answer who are you? Not your job, not your marriage, not your goals, but you. Sometimes we lose ourselves between responsibility and routine, and we need to check in with ourselves. So they, I'm asking you, who are you? This is episode 233 of the Heavyweight Collective. I'm your host today, Molito. I'm here with these two fellas. Speak your names.

SPEAKER_02 0:39

I'm gonna speak my name, but that ain't fair, huh? That nigga got to think about it. Yeah. I like it though. Well, since we're gonna say who we are, I'm Kevin Ellis.

SPEAKER_05 0:52

Kellen Ellis. I don't talk in that voice, but I'm you're not gonna sound official. I'm uh um I'm low sick of pandemic.

SPEAKER_03 1:03

Okay, all right. Now let's uh let's get into this week. How your week's going? Uh do we gotta do that? Yeah, we gotta do.

SPEAKER_02 1:11

How's your week, nigga? I'm I'm excited to go to the dentist. Let's just put it there. I'm not I live. Well, I'm just saying these kids ain't been in school. So yeah, they've been a lot, but we did some cool shit. You guys been in that Discovery Cube? In uh Santa? Yeah, yeah. That's pretty cool.

SPEAKER_03 1:32

Yeah, nigga, fucking Germ City. Yeah, they gotta spray the whole building with fucking$22, is the way I saw it. What do they have there? It's like it's like pretend city in like this every zone, so it's like a black, they can like dress up as like like doctors one pair and they like scientists another place. It's like the whole thing. Oh, they got a bunch, yeah. Bunch of shit. They got a little bit more. I mean, it's an orange, it's an OC, but it's Matt T Dick there.

SPEAKER_02 1:57

Like a race car thing, it's a lot of shit. It's a lot of shit downstairs. And I was like, this ain't gonna take long. And then I was like, how the fuck?

SPEAKER_03 2:03

No, nigga, it's all day. Been there all day. Damn. That's cool though.

SPEAKER_02 2:08

And we went at the right time. You go right after like when it's late enough for the schools to be finishing their field trips, because you don't want to go in the morning.

SPEAKER_03 2:15

No, don't get there when they open, nigga. The parking lot be out the out the ass. Get there, get there like right right after lunch. Yeah, like take them to lunch and then go, type shit.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

It's a good time. Yeah. But that was my week. Yeah. Kids and work and school. Yeah. That's what's up. School's going well too. Happy about that. All right.

SPEAKER_05 2:36

Uh my week started off good. I back in the gym, not 100%, but like uh I'm doing leg day again. My leg is starting to recover. Um I had a, even though it was raining, I had a dope week at work. Got my three-year ride-along done in 30 minutes. I was hyped about that. I always find that works out for me in that way now. I don't know if it's because I'm an OG or unk or uh. But they'll hit me up and be like, yo, you just wanted to get this out of the way. I'm like, yeah, I'll do that shit. And that seems to happen the last few times. I just try to get it out of the way and I I fuck with that.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

What is the what is that?

SPEAKER_05 3:19

They do uh the driving and trucking, they they have to do right up right alongs with it.

SPEAKER_02 3:25

They have to make sure that you're oh somebody just sits with you and observes you driving so you're doing being safe and shit. Think of it like a uh a uh a year review and a safety check at the same time. Because when I heard that, I'm thinking, I'm like, do you gotta just like show them you could drive? But you they just ride with you. Okay. It's the same shit.

Work Wins And Safety Ride-Along

SPEAKER_05 3:43

But in my mind picture now, like Wayne Brady and Dave Chappelle. Is Wayne Brady gonna have to joke a bitch? Give me a sandwich. Um no, it it was chill there, and then uh the kids were out, but it they they've been keeping their composure, and I had a dope therapy session.

SPEAKER_03 4:04

This was up.

SPEAKER_05 4:05

Uh had some revelations about my life.

SPEAKER_03 4:07

Don't go too deep in that.

SPEAKER_05 4:09

Uh that's what she said. Um then it's also Larry's birthday, so happy birthday to my youngest. He's three today.

SPEAKER_03 4:16

Three going on 35. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 4:18

Punking everybody in the house.

SPEAKER_03 4:20

Oh I I ain't never wearing three of those four four feet tall.

SPEAKER_05 4:23

Yeah. Wearing his his older brother's five-year-old stuff, let's put it that way. That's crazy. Um, so I'm gonna be hanging out with him later on today, or gonna uh he's gonna get to see his grandparents and get cake and toys and shit. But it's been a dope week, and I can't complain about the week. I feel I feel blessed to have that kind of week. Um, because it they're not frequent, but when they happen, it's like you take the win. Take the fucking win. Uh yeah. That that's it.

SPEAKER_03 4:51

I'm not gonna uh kill his vibe and just say my week was fucked up, so we'll just I'm not gonna go into it. Um, so let me uh start this off by uh asking you guys a question here. I'm gonna start with Mr. Wendell. Um can you describe yourself without mentioning what you do? What I do? Yeah, without mentioning like work? No, no, without mentioning. But without work. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:13

Like who are you? Who am I? Um Kevin. Good guy. Kind hearted. Okay. That's it. Free loving.

SPEAKER_01 5:23

Free loving. The ladies are everybody. It's life. People. I love life. Whoa.

SPEAKER_02 5:29

What?

SPEAKER_03 5:31

Context matters.

SPEAKER_02 5:32

That I love life? Yeah. That's not what's the context? You can't take that out of context. Okay. He loved life. Like, I don't mean Jennings, but yeah, fuck it. I love him too.

SPEAKER_03 5:45

But like, it's like now, is that who you always been, or is that what you've blossomed into? I got a fucked up mind.

SPEAKER_05 5:54

I don't know. I don't know. Like, he's loving everything. Look at this tree. I love this tree. Fuck the shit out this tree. I'm about to say content.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

Well, I never I've hugged a tree, but I never tried to fuck no tree. Like, that's crazy. That'll hurt. This couch looks really nice. All right. I'm not JD Vance.

unknown 6:10

Come on.

Defining Self Without Job Or Status

SPEAKER_02 6:12

Come on now. Uh I think so because just the shit like growing up, somehow managed to come out how I am, and like be as you know, go with school and shit, and just you would never know stuff. So I think I always found a way to find the good and shit. Or try to. I try to. Sometimes you don't, but I think I had to grow into letting that be more outwardly.

SPEAKER_01 6:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

So you you it's more who you're becoming. You're you're uh Well, I'm trying to become more guarded. Oh, okay. All right. You feel you're too open? Sometimes, sometimes it's like, uh, but I don't know. Because that's the thing I toy with. But I'm learning a lot. Like therapy is I'm going the Kendrick route. Oh. It shows you how to open up? Well, no. Did it also show you not to go find up there's a lot more of that. We'd be talking, she's like, why why? Why you feel like that? I'm like, I don't I don't have a good answer. Like, well, maybe you should stop.

SPEAKER_05 7:31

So yeah.

SPEAKER_03 7:32

So McFly, how would you describe yourself?

SPEAKER_05 7:35

Well, after Thursday's session, I um I can say annoyingly optimistic and uh stealing the silver line and a lot of shit. Um passive overly passive when I don't shouldn't be, and um letting things slide um having a bad temper, but masking it with uh distancing myself.

SPEAKER_03 8:12

So is this is this uh who you've always been or is this something you've become it it's it's over it's it evolved into that.

Authentic Vs Protective Selves

SPEAKER_05 8:20

Um but growing up it was trying to see the good in things even when a lot of bad things happen. Um not being ever explained to why things were happening, but just figuring it out. Um being open and eventually becoming guarded and trying to get back to a place to where there's a balance. Um believing being always being hard on myself uh and uh thinking that I was always the reason why people left instead of realizing that maybe the reason why you they left had everything to do with them and nothing to do with me, and and having to accept that I'm not I wasn't always the problem, but always feeling like I was um but being stronger than I ever realized I was by just stepping back sometimes or seeing the perspective that some of the lot of shit that I've dealt with, I was actually strong even though I thought I was weak. Being weak, I was actually doing the strong uh decision.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

So yeah.

SPEAKER_05 9:34

This is all after Thursday, I think.

SPEAKER_01 9:38

New revelation.

SPEAKER_02 9:39

I think that's the thing too, is a lot of people don't realize the strength. The strength is the harder shit. The let go. Well, like the doing the things that you think are weak is usually the stronger point because we're used to seeing what we uh perceive as being like the strong and the way it's supposed to be, is usually some shit where you're like, damn, you just let yourself be. Like you didn't you didn't even try to control yourself, nigga. So yeah, that's that's yeah, interesting. I like that.

SPEAKER_03 10:08

I would uh describe myself as a guy that tries always try to do right. Um almost to a fault. Well will as far as neglecting myself in some way to a point to where I I eventually start to feel overwhelmed or lost or not be able to see clearly. Um and I think part of this is kind of who I've always been. It's just always been different versions or methods I've taken to try to change over time. Um so yeah. Um so the kind of the follow-up, Kevin kind of touched on already.

SPEAKER_02 10:50

But before you get there, I want to question something about you. Go ahead, because you said always try to do the right thing.

SPEAKER_03 10:55

So if you saw a bag of money that you knew wasn't yours, the right thing is the the right the right thing is is is to bless my family. That's what I was gonna say.

SPEAKER_05 11:05

That's how I look at my perspective and like, well, this does help the family, so I'm doing right somewhere.

SPEAKER_03 11:10

I'm gonna bless the family. Uh I'm gonna definitely gonna bless the family.

SPEAKER_05 11:15

Uh yeah. Absolutely. And on the backside, you're technically doing the right thing about letting the motherfucker know who lost the money that they shouldn't have fucking lost the money.

SPEAKER_02 11:23

Oh watching No Country for Old Men, I'm scared of a bag of money, nigga. Well, here's the thing. I don't know what comes with it.

SPEAKER_03 11:30

Well, you know, the motherfucker that like the kid that turned the money in, he he turned in like$300,000 and then they got$50 and he got$100.

SPEAKER_02 11:37

I oh my bad. I didn't mean to do that. Because I just saw a ticket with that where somebody saw it was like a I think a$13,000 casino ticket on the floor, so they turned it in and was like, this ain't mine. And they gave him$50 in a steak then. Nah.

SPEAKER_03 11:54

Congratulations, no, it was$15,000. Yeah, you played just they turned that in. I was like, Yeah, nah. Yeah, I would've, I would have, I would have cashed it in. Like, well, I would have said, look at God. When he do it, a lost and a loss of Celeste. So the follow-up question is I want to know, based off how you just recently described yourself, is that a authentic version or is that a protective version of yourself? Well, what? The uh of how you describe yourself.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

I don't think it's protective. Nah.

SPEAKER_03 12:27

So you think that's just yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

You're just a real nigga. I can't I mean, I've always had this thing of like, I don't like fake. Uh-huh. And like you could see it where you're like, like I don't like it. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Okay. So that so that's you.

SPEAKER_02 12:45

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 12:46

Okay, McClaw.

Why Start Therapy

SPEAKER_05 12:47

I think, yeah, this is very protective for me. Um because I my authentic self is I had to sit back the other day and realize that how different I was shit six years ago from now to just seeing things and and understanding that I'm an evolution of reaction. The things I had was reacting to just made me kind of build up this uh this weird guarded wall. But my authentic self was way different than that because my authentic self is upbeat, love to be goofy, but like what's presented to me didn't allow me to be goofy, so I get real protective. So yes, very protective. It's not my authentic self. My authentic self is way more bubbly, happy, believing in everything and and and everyone. But I said life just shows you a lot of different shit.

SPEAKER_03 13:39

Okay. I would say that I'm I'm probably a combination of both. Well, fake and I don't mean to say fake, but you know what I mean. Authentic and protective, Kevin. I do I I I do believe that based off of life experiences, uh, when I pick up on certain things, I become very protective of myself and my time. But at the same time, the blunt, honest side of me is who I am. Yeah, that's not that's not that's who I am.

SPEAKER_05 14:10

I will say, as a person that's got to witness it firsthand as like a passenger and seeing you do it to people, it's like a lot of times I'm like, I fuck with it. And then I'm like, I look at the other person, I'm like, how the how are they feeling in this moment? Because probably not good at all.

SPEAKER_03 14:28

Probably not good at all. But I can it's it I am who I am. The words may fly. I am who I am, and uh, I just got the I forgot the line that fucking quick. But uh, yeah, I I I've always been that way. I've always because in part it comes from my childhood because I was early on, I was told, man, like there's nothing worse than a liar. And I would get in trouble for lying more than anything else. Like I could, I could, I could, you know, uh steal some off the store. And if I was honest about it, yeah, I'd probably get grounded and get a whooping. But if I was if I lied, that beating would be 10 times as far than that whooping. So I've I've been I was raised to just be honest. So when I tell people that I that's why I I say I I give a disclaimer, hey, if you want me to be honest, you you might not like what I'm gonna say because I'm gonna tell you my I'm not gonna sugarcoat exactly how I fucking feel. Now I've gotten better at like kind of like maybe being a little softer around the edges, as my wife would say, but the the core message is still like, nigga, if you take it how you want to take it.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

I mean, that's life.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

I think yeah. Some people just can't take that because sometimes you get some shit and you're like, damn.

SPEAKER_01 15:44

And then you go, man, motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 15:47

And sometimes I sometimes I say shit to people that I can tell in their eyes they mind, they say, man, fuck him. Fuck him. Nigga, you ass. So um, we're all in therapy here. So I'm gonna start with McFly. Why? Why did you choose to undergo therapy?

SPEAKER_05 16:06

Nigga, because I was gangbanging on breakfast. I got I got to a point where I was certain the smallest things were were setting me off. I said, nigga, this is bad. Like, why am I angry? Why am I angry about this? I need therapy, nigga. Like, cause it was just realizations. Like, you be sitting there like, and I have to sit back and step back, like, nigga, you angry about this? Who overcooked the bacon? Like, and it made you just realize, though, I need I have to get to the bottom of why this is being this triggered me.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

Yeah.

Triggers, Anger, And Body Signals

SPEAKER_05 16:35

And then talking to the therapist was like, We you gotta get to it, understand, because it's still new, but she's like, you gotta understand something else caused that trigger to trigger you. So you have to get to the bottom of why this triggered you. The line of triggers. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:47

Well, the harder part is doing that part is recognizing that shit too. Knowing that you're like, definitely. Because a lot of motherfuckers just go and you're like, so you don't think that's you think that's normal? You shouldn't do that. Like, you shouldn't do that.

SPEAKER_05 17:00

And to uh expound is um I also it was watching how you guys were reacting to therapy, and like you guys served as uh inspiration for me. Like, nigga, I need to get back to that because I don't want to be just the angry uh I don't want to evolve into what my dad told me to be afraid of, the angry black. So I looked at you guys and like, damn, they're having breakthroughs and shit. I don't want to not be just stuck in this uh weird evolving anger for no reason.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

That's what's up. My therapist this week, she told me that uh she said you gotta start, try to start be mindful of the triggers, the behavioral triggers. So basically saying, like, she was like, I noticed that, you know, when you do such and such, you rub your beard before you do it. I know, you know what I'm saying? So like a little stuff like that. Like your body, generally, she was saying, like, your body is gonna give you a sign, hey, this is what about to happen. So once you learn how you react to certain things, like physically, it's gonna help you catch the mental verbal part before it gets to because sometimes she's like, Yeah, but sometimes I can't catch it. I'll be wanting to just cuss niggas out and I just be mad. Shit, like that's like what happens. I'll you know, well, I know when my body gets hot, I gotta walk away. Because I'm if I start getting warm on the inside, I'm about to swing. Oh yeah. That's about to be real.

SPEAKER_02 18:16

I'm glad you're in therapy, my man.

SPEAKER_03 18:20

So let me ask you, Mr. Wendell, why therapy?

What Therapy Exposes

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Nigga, oh shit. Shit. Like I always felt like I could have I needed somebody to talk to just in life, just over the years and shit. And like, because I even with my therapist, she's like confused sometimes. She's like, I just don't understand. Like, you you have all the tools, like you could probably be a therapist. And I'm like, yeah, but that don't help me like get this shit out. But like, it was when I was in school that trying to do that electrician school, and I was trying to go, it was just like too much. Cause like I just was I was probably home for like two hours a day, and I was like, nigga, this is nuts. And like I was just losing my shit. And then I went to therapy and she was like, Yeah, you're supposed to be fucked up right now. Like, you're doing too much. Like, why? Why are you doing this? And I'm like, I don't know. And then you figure, break through, walk through shit and all that shit, and you're just like, oh, yeah, we gotta manage that shit out better. So I want to dry myself nuts, have a heart attack and shit. It's quite simple. Because that's probably coming with the blood pressure and shit. It wasn't going. Oh, yeah. That's where it's going. Oh yeah. It was it was ridiculous. So, okay.

SPEAKER_03 19:37

I mean, my answer is just I was just a time life where I needed it. And it was kind of like forced upon me, and it evolved into something that I realized I probably should have dysgo. Um, and I think I'm what, two, two and a half years in now, and like I I I see the growth, I see how my thought processes have changed and how I'm how I'm able to recognize things in myself and and those around me because now I I have the tools to point certain things out. So um that's good. So I'm gonna ask y'all this. I'm gonna start with Kevin this time. What lie were you telling yourself before therapy? What lie? I don't know, nigga.

SPEAKER_02 20:22

A lot. I feel like nigga, I was lying to myself all the time. I think I might have been just telling a lot of dumbass shit. Like it was like, can you give some examples? I don't know. You ain't gotta save the world. You ain't gotta do all these things. You don't have to just always be, I don't know, like available to everything and shit like that.

SPEAKER_05 20:46

You ain't gotta lie to kick it, my name.

SPEAKER_03 20:49

I gotta try some like it's like he was talking to Drake.

SPEAKER_01 20:55

I think it was a lot, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:59

A lot. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:00

Okay.

Costs Of Growth And Setting Boundaries

SPEAKER_03 21:01

So you just, you know, you was lying to yourself, thing pretty much saying that you don't forcing yourself to be these things that you necessarily didn't have to be.

SPEAKER_02 21:10

Yeah. Like I had to probably focus on me more. Okay. So it's one of those things, like.

SPEAKER_03 21:17

That's a whole different no, that that's a whole nother episode, nigga, because it's hard to focus on you when you have the responsibility of uh being a father and a husband and provider. You got you got you know, your your name falls so far down the list that you know you forget to pour into yourself sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

But the way she put it is like it's like one of those, like how could you possibly even be that if you don't have like you, you know what I mean? Like if you're not you're not gonna be you, you're gonna be a different version of whatever if you don't know you.

SPEAKER_04 21:50

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 21:51

So So McFly, what did you realize about yourself that surprised you in therapy? See, I didn't I wasn't gonna ask you the same question.

SPEAKER_05 21:58

Uh how open? I already was from get-go and and having a realization that how much rap helped me. Because I didn't realize I was suddenly subtly doing the work. And it surprised me when I was thinking, I was like, damn, it's gonna take a long time for me to open up and shit. And then she started asking me questions. She was looking at me and her eyes was open, like, damn, this nigga's not afraid to share. I'm like, fuck. Like, and I'm like, yeah, I'm not afraid to share, huh? Like that was the realization. I was like, damn, I'm pretty open, an open book. And then I start realizing I'm like, I could quote a lot of my lyrics as examples to give to her if she was trying to give me an example.

SPEAKER_03 22:37

Like, like, yeah. Okay. Um, so it sounds like therapy has been a smooth transition for you.

SPEAKER_05 22:46

Yeah, it's definitely uh something where I said I feel like a high when I come out of therapy, which is rare. I think just allow being allowed to talk for so long because that hour goes by fast. I'll just be talking.

SPEAKER_03 23:00

So is there anything right now that you are avoiding when it comes to uh therapy or the or the work that's has to be done in between sessions? Is there anything you're avoiding?

SPEAKER_05 23:13

The in between, no. Uh it's the the realization that I'm gonna have to have some hard talks with people in my life that I know is gonna have to come up in those sessions, and that's what I'm terrified of. Like, I know the therapist isn't supposed to judge me, but I feel like the therapist is gonna have a reaction to me when I decide to say, you know what, I gotta talk about this shit. And why'd you let it go on for so long? Or why would you like and having those those realizations with myself is like I know why, but to hear it uh aloud is gonna be like, yeah, I know. And I know that's coming. Pause. And a lot of people are gonna be like, damn, this is how you feel about it. No, it's not how I feel about you. I just realized this is I had to do this.

Fatherhood Mirrors: Proud Or Concerned

SPEAKER_03 23:55

So I would say one thing it's one thing therapy has taught me is that it's not necessarily about how I feel about you. It's uh it's about how the situation is making me feel. And so I don't like the way the situation is making me feel, so I gotta change the situation. So what are you avoiding right now, Mr. Wendell?

SPEAKER_01 24:16

Um I don't know. I think uh are you locked in, huh? No. Fuck no.

SPEAKER_02 24:30

What is well some talks with the therapists that open up with some shit, but yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:37

Is that is that due to is that due to you just not want to have these conversations or do you fear how they may lead or where they may go into or what they may actually force you to? Because I know in my experience, I kinda avoid talking about some things because I feel like I feel like I have a a good idea where it's gonna lead, and it's gonna lead to shit I just don't want to talk about, or I'm not ready to talk about them.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

I know that's coming for me. Like I know, I guess I can't. There's gonna be a part where I was like, hey nigga, you gonna have to I think it's more like how that that stuff makes me feel.

SPEAKER_02 25:12

So I don't know if I wanna deal with that stuff, but kind of have to. Yeah, we actually was talking about that in there. Yeah. But it's some shit that'll make me. And it's probably I don't know. I don't even know how it's gonna go. It might be okay. You think it's a lack of weed?

unknown 25:30

No.

SPEAKER_01 25:31

No, no, not at all.

SPEAKER_02 25:33

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 25:34

So I I just I want y'all to react to this. Tell me what you tell me what your initial reaction is. The saying that therapy didn't change me, it exposed me.

SPEAKER_02 25:47

Uh no, it didn't change me, yeah. I agree with that. You feel exposed? Yeah, in a good way or a bad way? It's a good way. It's a good way. It's a good way.

SPEAKER_05 25:56

I don't think I've gotten here yet to say it. I want to be exposed. Is that weird? No, no, no. I want to be exposed. I want to be like, sit nigga, this is where you all along. Yeah, you got me. It it it it depends on what kind of exposure you're talking about. I'm talking about like just me as at my core, because I feel like people have the wrong assessment of me, and it's based off the fact that I have a guard up.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:18

And I get to the point where I just open up, oh, you were this nigga all along. We just read you wrong.

SPEAKER_03 26:23

Okay, so McFly, we know you're new into the therapy. Kevin, you've been doing it a while. But so the next question is has the growth and the therapy cost you anything as far as friendships, old habit, a sense of identity, control, some prideful things, but you give up, like, has it cost you anything so far in your in your therapy drive?

Kids Live Your Habits

SPEAKER_05 26:45

I feel like it's just uh habits and just understanding. You want to identify the habits, or do you want to uh uh the the the one habit is is is the either deflection or like distancing. Like I'm I'm trying not to be, and it's not intentional, it's just one of them things where I've gotten so used to like moving and like I'll see something and then be like, okay, I saw that and keep moving. Like, for example, like text message, I'm horrible at texting people back. So I try to make it more when I catch it, I'm more mindful and I'll respond back, even if it's just a subtle, like it's just forcing myself out of a habit because I've gotten so used to just going like moving, moving, moving, moving, like thinking about this. So like I I even uh hit up with somebody uh that he gave me a review about the J. Cole album, and we were recording last time, and I looked at the text message and I was like, I'm gonna respond to that. And I just I know it took like four days, but by the fourth day, I was like, my bad, fam. Like uh I thought I responded to this shit. I realized I was I was constantly thinking about the next thing. So it's like kind of stepping back and slowing down and trying to respond because I got so much shit going on. So it's breaking out of that habit of just head down what's going on. Like that that's the habit I try to break. And then the other shit I don't really feel like is a loss. Like certain uh relationships with people, I feel like they were supposed to happen. So uh setting boundaries if that caused them to um to just d to say, oh fuck him, is like, well, I don't think that was supposed to have that was a uh a bond I was supposed to have.

SPEAKER_02 28:22

Okay. I don't feel like loss, like I feel like I gained more than anything. So it's uh like you said, boundaries and shit, like learning how to set those and stuff, and uh just uh strength to like do certain things and be like, oh okay, I'm gonna stop this. Like I'm gonna make a choice and then this is for me. Yeah. Like all the like stopping smoking and shit wasn't for the kids and my wife or nobody's for me. And then in turn I get to hopefully be around longer because of that decision.

SPEAKER_05 29:03

So Did you uh because the my therapist told me that she was like, setting boundaries is like, you know, you you have a house, you get the house built, and you know, you're like, oh, I trust my neighbors, I don't need a fence, and then your neighbors start stepping into your shit and then breaking into your house and all this. And he's like, now you gotta set boundaries. Now you build a fence. Now he's like, that's kind of like what you're doing. Setting boundaries is like building a fence around your mental to make people understand that like you can't cross this line. And once you cross this line, you're trespassing.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Like, and it's one of those with uh staying in my lane too. Yeah, yeah. A lot more of that.

Are We Who 20-Year-Old Us Imagined

SPEAKER_03 29:39

Like, yeah, that's been I feel like uh similar McFarlane, I feel like I've I've I've lost I've caught it's cost me old habits, a little bit I uh identity, and I think I've on the flip side, I think I've I've gained more control. Um because um I'm at ac I'm able to identify my mood swings and what's triggering the mood swings and how to kind of get back to a place of uh well what's normal. Um I had I had to lose those habits, but I honestly habits I lost weren't good for me anyway. So I mean it helped me identify, hey, this this this shit ain't this shit ain't healthy. Like you like, you know what I'm saying? You can't you can't just you don't think that's a gain though? Yeah. Um yeah, but like uh it's it's a gain overall, but I lost those habits because yeah, yeah, I was comfortable in those habits because they they had served money, they had served the purpose that they they were supposed to serve for for so long. It just so happened that the purpose they were serving were not beneficial beneficial to me. You know what I mean? And then like the identity part is I had to, at the beginning of my whole therapy, I was really trying to figure out who I was all over again as a person because of what I had gone through. So that part was like it, I it kind of I don't know, what was it, what they call it, molten when fucking snakes lose their skin. I was kind of like coming into a different version of me through the process of um kind of like decoloring my brain and my my thought process and the habits and and connect like similar to what you were saying, like I was connecting the dots, figuring out how this triggers here and how this links to there. So as I'm doing all the work, connecting these dots and trying to identify things and put things in proper places, I feel like I I grew into a better version of myself.

unknown 31:27

Shit.

SPEAKER_05 31:27

That's uh I didn't want to step on anything you said. I was but I realized I haven't masturbated and like Damn. But that was a trigger. Like I didn't realize I was doing that.

SPEAKER_02 31:37

So was it a trigger? Was it uh it would be more of a distract you type shit?

SPEAKER_05 31:42

Yeah, like that kind of shit. But I didn't realize I realized I haven't something I used to like. I joked about it, I was serious too.

SPEAKER_02 31:50

Oh, I didn't want to say something new, but I was like, I don't just joking.

SPEAKER_05 31:57

But I just had a realization, like, god damn, like I used to like uh in smart adolescence.

SPEAKER_02 32:03

But I think uh yeah, that's more like uh not a trigger. What do you call it? Coping, coping. Oh, there we go. All right, coping, like crazy. I just have that realization as he was talking, I was like, damn, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 32:17

Okay, so we're we're all fathers here. We all have daughters. So I'm gonna ask this question, I want an honest answer. Okay. I'm gonna start with Mr. Wendell. I think I know his answer anyway, so we get this weak ass answer out the way.

SPEAKER_04 32:30

Damn.

SPEAKER_03 32:30

Uh if if your daughters were to grow up and marry someone exactly like you, would you be proud or concerned? Like me? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:40

I think I'd be happy because So you think you're a good guy? Yeah, I don't display anything like that to them. So I would hope that they You're not that bad.

SPEAKER_01 32:50

So is that what you thought I was gonna say? Yeah. That's exactly what I thought you were gonna say.

SPEAKER_02 32:55

Well no drama. What should I say? Hell no, I don't want them to No, nigga, they gotta be better than me. Yeah, I would hope that they're doing what they're supposed to do. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:08

Okay.

Compromise, Growth, And What Must Die

SPEAKER_05 33:10

Yeah, but like me, but smarter. Like my core ideals, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:17

Like your like your core, like your morals, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:20

But like smarter about approaching life. But yeah, I don't see an issue with me as far as at my core. I do there's certain habits that I have and I'm trying to break, but it's all based off of circumstance. But everything else is, yeah, I don't see uh Yeah, because they see this.

SPEAKER_02 33:36

They don't see the they don't see the real. They don't know, they don't see the the bullshit from the past. If they were gonna marry that nigga, no. But so you don't want them to be a good one.

SPEAKER_03 33:46

You don't want them to meet Arizona Kevin at all. It's probably more than that. Um, I mean, I think honestly, I um I would be proud uh because if if she was to find someone that to love her the way I love my wife, I would I I know she'd be good for life. So I wouldn't um I'd be proud. But the follow-up to that is if what would she say you struggle with? I guess the answer is easier. Easier affection. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 34:26

Other than that, it's like you I see he loves, but he can't express it. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 34:32

Uh what you lack in, you said?

SPEAKER_01 34:38

Yeah. Or what you struggle with. Struggle.

SPEAKER_03 34:42

You need more time. I can answer.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

You need more time.

SPEAKER_03 34:44

Yeah. Uh my answer would be patience. Um, that's one thing I'm working on. One thing I'm constantly working on. Is um, especially because when when shit just don't make sense or it's clearly dumb, I I'm like, shut the fuck up. Oh, you're a work. Like it just, it just it like it just immediately irritates me. And that's something I'm working on. I'm trying to figure out my triggers for that. But like if you say some dumb shit, it pisses me off so quick that it don't even make sense. Like, I just have to, I'm coming straight for your neck. It's not even a subtle.

SPEAKER_02 35:20

It might be that with them, because I'm not, it's weird because I'm a lot more patient with people, because I'm just like, I don't, but with them, I'm like, I don't understand why you're not doing this. It's like, and like I I I'm doing better at allowing them to like express them without being crazy about it. Okay. Like, cause there's a lot of you wouldn't even let me finish. And I'm like, okay, I probably should. And then you say something, and then I'm like, can I finish, please? That actually did make sense. And I, you, my bad, I was a little hasty. Like, that does. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:56

I catch myself saying, I don't give a fuck when I give a fuck. Stop. I don't give a fuck.

SPEAKER_03 36:00

What you do give a fuck.

SPEAKER_05 36:01

Yeah, you're right.

SPEAKER_03 36:03

So, so then let me ask you so what version of you is she watching? Is she watching the authentic version of you? Or is she watching the dad version of you?

SPEAKER_05 36:11

She's watching hustle and uh provider dad. She's not watching uh dad when he's relaxed. Because she sees it, but she doesn't get to see it enough. Because I'm so like, I feel like this weekend it's one of them times where because I don't work and I'm not thinking about work, it's like, okay, dad's being chill, dad. Except when I'm playing 2K. Fuck 2K. Um But yeah, other than that, it's like I'm chillaxing and I'm I'm able to laugh and be goofy. But like when I'm in grind mode, I'm serious and thinking about every fucking thing under the fucking sun. And then it's like, yo, he's that's why it breaks my heart when they give me like the dollar, Dad. This will help you, Dad, so do not stress. I'm like, shit.

SPEAKER_03 36:53

At least they give you my kids, just take it.

SPEAKER_05 36:55

Uh, where the fuck you get the dollar for? Anyway, um Mr.

SPEAKER_02 37:02

Wooddale? Uh I don't know. I don't let them see like the anxiousness and all that stuff. But you don't know what they see. Well, I mean, I try not to let them see. I mean, okay.

SPEAKER_01 37:13

That's I mean words matter.

SPEAKER_02 37:15

I mean, you ask the question and I'm answering it the way and I'm correcting your answer. Okay. I'm just I try not to let them see the anxious stuff and all that stuff. I don't know. Maybe I'm not. Maybe they do see it. But I guess that's what they get is the mask of the other stuff they don't see. I try to hide that part, like the stuff that they don't need to try to learn about yet.

Stage Nerves, Confidence, And Rejection

SPEAKER_03 37:47

I I I would say that she she sees the she sees the strong, affectionate father. Because you you know, she sees how I love her and her mother, and she sees me always show up and be there first. She sees someone that will be there no matter what. She doesn't ever say necessarily see again, like, you know, I try not to show the stress, the the concern. Um she don't know when there's only$20 an account. I mean, like, you know, I I I I somehow, some way, you know, you know, uh, you know, thank God that I've always been able to make things happen when I need to make them happen. So um I believe she sees the version that, you know, my dad made it happen. That's that's what I'm that's what I'm hoping I'm portraying, that my dad was here enough, acted and uh active enough in my life to make it happen. He was at every meet, he took me to school, he took me to practices, you know. Uh, you know, um I always pick her up early on Fridays. I always take her out, get take her to, you know, uh, you know, she either asked for Del Taco or sushi. So I always show up with one of those. Uh, you know, so from Del Taco. Huh?

SPEAKER_04 38:51

What do you get from Del Taco?

SPEAKER_03 38:52

I don't get anything.

SPEAKER_04 38:52

No, what does she get?

SPEAKER_03 38:53

Oh, she gets a bean and cheese burrito with green sauce, a fry, and a strawberry lemonade light ice. And they better be light ice.

SPEAKER_05 39:01

They be fucking they use that ice to their advantage. Yeah, you get like this much drink. And them fries better refresh.

SPEAKER_02 39:08

She wanted a china fry like big. They give you the 44 ounce or 60. No, I know I get the small one. I mean, at the place, they got that's their sizes. You're like, what's the small? You're like, that's a 24 ounce. Like, that's not small.

SPEAKER_03 39:20

So I'm I mean, I'm hoping that's what she sees. I'm hoping she sees. I mean, I hope I I know she knows I care for her because she plays that shit against me.

SPEAKER_05 39:26

I fuck with that. I fuck with that. Use what you know to get what you need.

SPEAKER_03 39:34

She she tells me all the time, is that how a good a good father treats his daughter? I say, what the f are you?

SPEAKER_05 39:39

I like it. Keep doing that.

SPEAKER_03 39:41

Are you trying to use me against me? Oh yeah. So um yeah, man. So let me uh uh react to this statement here, Mr. Wendell. Uh your kids don't hear your goals, they live your habits. React to this, yeah. Yeah, react to it. What do you think?

Core Values And Alignment

SPEAKER_02 40:04

What's your what's your thoughts on that? Yeah, I mean, yeah. I mean, how the fuck they know about goals and shit like that you got? Like they don't know they're kids. They don't know that shit. So the kids have goals. Yeah, they have kid goals. But like they don't know any of that shit you got going on, like with big life.

SPEAKER_03 40:25

Now, let me follow you up. Do you think that them watching you achieve uh kind of furthers their aspiration to achieve? Yeah, it's the habits. Is it follow the habits? Is it aspiration or is it pressure? Because it's like, oh man, you know, if dad's doing it, damn, I gotta do it. Like, they don't know.

SPEAKER_02 40:44

If you get the pressure when you put it on them, uh I agree. I agree with that. Like, uh, because they're gonna have their own thing. Like Kindle does that stuff with her uh like I could tell she wants to do like um the uh school plays and stuff like that, but then she'll let herself get in the way of doing it because she's scared of the stuff. And I'm like, you can't be scared of it. Like if you don't get it, you don't get it. Whatever. You've she's been through it, so it's just uh help her find that bravery, you know what I mean? So but I'm not gonna push her to be like, you have to do this, you better do this. So it's she could be the next Michael B.

SPEAKER_03 41:23

Jordan playing two roles at the same time.

SPEAKER_02 41:25

She could, but I also don't want her to be that kid who's out there where it's like this nigga think I don't want to do this shit. It's like I'll let her get to it when it's time. So McPly.

SPEAKER_03 41:40

You said kids don't hear your goals, they live your habits.

SPEAKER_05 41:45

I think they I react to it like I feel like they see both. Only because their right now, their aspiration, like the short-term aspirations, they want to do content like as far as YouTube or whatever, because they like Roblox and stuff like that. So like they know dad's podcasting, or they know that dad raps, or they know that dad does this because I have so certain things that they can visually see. So I think they they see that and they go, dad does that, and they kind of like, but like the work dad is like the grind dad, they know dad's working, so like they see the habit like dad's always gone. But they also go, Well, I know dad's doing this too. So like for them, I see I guess that's it's a combination of both. So for me, is a subtle balance. Like, yeah, I can see it being they see my habits, but they also see that I'm trying to do something with that, and when I'm ready to do it, I can just ask dad, how do you how do you do that? So I think it's a balance.

This Month’s Change And Temper Work

SPEAKER_03 42:48

I I believe that they live, they they live your habits. I think um when it comes to parenting, you lead by example, and your kids will pick up on whatever you're putting down. So, like, for instance, like um quick story. My wife had bought some, she had bought a two-liter Coke Zero, and I was pouring me a glass of Coke Zero. And my daughter says, Dad, it looks like you're getting back into your old ways. And I said, What do you mean? She's like, you know, like when you're fat because you're drinking soda. I said, Well, damn. I said, Well, it is zero sugar. It has no calories. And but she's picked up, like, you ain't been doing this, so why are you doing it again? Like, you're going back to, you know what I'm saying? So I definitely think that they're definitely watching. Oh, yeah. They're definitely watching it and they know your habits, and that's what they're kind of modeling their life for.

SPEAKER_05 43:38

They do that shit to me too. Dad, what are you eating that? Is it like the donut? They're like, What's that? Is that sugar? And I'm like, it's a it's a protein donut. Like, don't come for me.

SPEAKER_02 43:48

Don't come for me. I think the like the because I'm seeing saying is like the they see how you approach this stuff. They don't know what the what is, like they know what your goal is off of what you are doing. Like when the kids come in and see the the vision wall, they don't know what none of that shit is. But they're like, Oh, okay, so if you're trying to achieve something, these are the things you gotta do. Like, you gotta attack this whatever way. I don't think they it's not for them to make it a vision board, but you know, they might have that as a habit as they go. And it's like, okay, so you gotta do something to get something. It's not one of those, you know how kids think.

SPEAKER_03 44:26

Yeah. So are you guys becoming who 20-year-old you thought you would be?

SPEAKER_05 44:32

Fuck no.

SPEAKER_03 44:33

Nah. Yeah, I said fuck.

SPEAKER_05 44:34

20-year-old me was like, all right, so so how's the rapping going?

SPEAKER_02 44:39

Yeah. We signed, right? We always me, I would have had to go back and talk to, like, nigga, we still here.

SPEAKER_03 44:51

Um, yeah, no, no, I I am not who I thought I would be at 20. Um professionally. Everything else, personally, I think I'm I'm married, which I wanted to be. At 20, I was with my wife. Um, I thought I had more children by now, but you know, life has its own way.

SPEAKER_02 45:10

Um, so I think the follow-up is better.

SPEAKER_03 45:14

I mean, it is better.

SPEAKER_02 45:15

I think it's better than what I thought. Okay. Like, and I know that sounds nuts.

SPEAKER_03 45:18

Well, I thought when I was taking when I was 20, I thought it was over.

SPEAKER_02 45:22

But like, when I got like goals and shit.

SPEAKER_05 45:26

Like, hey, yeah. How's the rapping going? Did you do something with Kanye? My nigga, let me tell you what Kanye did. They was like, wait, what?

SPEAKER_02 45:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 45:34

Good job to stay away from that shit. That's not the Kanye you know. Yeah. Okay, so now we all have our answers here. Where did you compromise? Where did you grow? And uh, what part of you needs to die to live the next version of your life? Uh if that's a lot I can read, I can answer them again.

SPEAKER_05 45:56

The compromise, I feel like I I don't feel like it was a compromise. I just understood responsibility. So when Ava was coming, I was like, nigga, you can't, you ain't, you ain't rippy rapping with all these bills, nigga. You got responsibility and you got a life to think about. It was the next one.

SPEAKER_03 46:13

Where'd you grow?

Closing Reflections And CTA

SPEAKER_05 46:14

I feel like I grew in understanding that my strength, like understanding that I I hold a lot on my shoulders, but I ain't buckle yet. So um, except with my um I'm getting uh I'm teabagging like or getting teabagged or whatever. I was like, what?

SPEAKER_00 46:31

Wait, wait a minute.

SPEAKER_05 46:33

If I'm if I'm if I'm if I'm dipping low and my balls going to to a mouth, I I will buckle. That's the only time. Um and what's the next one?

SPEAKER_03 46:43

What part of you needs to die for the next version to live?

SPEAKER_05 46:47

Uh the passive part. That passive shit. I'm I'm done trying to be passive. You gonna get aggressive? Yeah, like as far as speaking up. Like as far as letting things slide. Oh shit, we finish. Shout out to Curtis King. We finna start throwing this. Um I used to always like see this man do shows uh locally when we were uh on the same bills, and he was always very adamant about saying, if you don't spell my name right, we got problems. And I used to always be passive about that shit because I would see my name on a bill and be like, they didn't give me two eyes on my name. And I'd just be like, oh well eventually they will. And I would see him like, nah, nigga, it has to be spelled with two S's. And then like I didn't understand it until I got after the fact, and I was like, I get it, nigga. I should have just taken a stance. And I feel like that's the approach that I saw a lot of the successful people that I came across. It was they took a stance and they said, fuck being passive and just roll and rolling with the punch. Just like, no, nigga, you gotta just speak the fuck up and say what you're not gonna tolerate.

SPEAKER_03 47:47

I think that's that's that's part of believing in yourself and your image. Yeah. Yeah. Mr. Wendell.

SPEAKER_02 47:54

Uh compromise, I don't know. It's yeah, it's almost like you're saying just the stupid shit.

SPEAKER_03 48:02

Like doing stupid shit and just you want to list it out? Well, list off your stupid shit.

SPEAKER_02 48:08

List off stupid shit that you did, that you gave me. That's probably too much. Okay, so that's a good thing. That's probably not smart. That's probably not smart. That's that's probably what she said to me, too. Okay, so then where like I would still uh like a part of me still wants the skydive, but I'm like, nigga, nigga don't this shit goes wrong.

SPEAKER_03 48:27

My wife wants to do that shit, and I keep saying, nigga, the policy. We both want to do it, but I'm like, nigga, the light the policy is paid to die? The policy is paid up. So if you want to jump out, we will I will mourn you, I'd cry. But nigga, we're gonna be paid.

SPEAKER_02 48:39

I'm good, I did it. So that's my compromise is making those decisions to be like pump the brakes. That look fun, but no. Where did you grow? Grow? I think I'm growing, so I already know. Where's the butt fall? I think I'm growing. I'm like learning to have more confidence in myself, and like giving myself a little more pats on the back, I guess. And believing in the things I'm doing. Like, that's a thing that I'm working on a lot, because I don't even think about it. Like with the smoking and stuff, the therapist's like, you're doing great. Like you, and I'll just be like, So you so you just don't like I do, but I'm like, this is what I'm shooting for. So it's like, nah, you gotta you gotta like give yourself a little good shit. Okay. Yeah, sometimes it does take a good shit. Oh nah I've been doing that this past three days. Uh the part of me that needs to die is the uh the timidness and the uh I think that's what holds me back from the pats on the back and stuff like that. I mean, yeah, actually. It is the the the second guessing of myself.

SPEAKER_03 50:16

So that I would say that I don't feel like I compromised anything. I feel like I gave up because due to due to the losses I experienced at an early age, I kind of gave up on being something in life until obviously I received the ultimatum. And then once, you know, my daughter, similar, once my my daughter was on the way, that gave me a whole new level of motivation to be something. Right, you know what I'm saying? Like I was fine being in the hood when it was just me. You know what I'm saying? But then when the when when when the yeah, I was fine, I was comfortable there. No, that's cool, but I was comfortable. Um but uh you know when she was pregnant, when she told me she was pregnant, I was like, okay, no, I don't want my baby here. Like I'm cool here, but I don't want my baby here. Um and honestly, the only part of me I feel like needs to, I mean, like I multiple parts. One, I feel like the the uh impatient part, the the quick to anger part, I gotta get that shit under control. I gotta get that shit down. And I feel like I need to, I don't know if it's a lack of confidence or are the the the fear of of rejection are let down as far as me not pursuing certain things or saying certain things or uh like uh exploring certain avenues because I don't want to walk down somewhere and get my hopes up and then then get turned down. You know, I don't want to be like the J. Cole song and go the wrong way, you know.

SPEAKER_05 51:45

I feel that I I I feel that same shit. And I usually tell myself now is like the way you look at that, those opportunities when it pops up, it's like Nick, if you get rejected, were you not in the same place you were before you got the answer?

SPEAKER_00 51:58

And that's how I gotta look at it like that's a good way.

SPEAKER_05 52:01

It's like, oh well, am I exactly where I was before I was I heard no? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:06

That's the weirder part. Like, it's weird for me because it's like for comedy, I could do that when I step on stage. Like, it's the weirdest shit. Like, I fucking hate the stage, but I love this stage. But it's one of those, like, I gotta figure out how to do that just in life, just to be like, well, nigga, what the fuck? Like, what the fuck? It's like because once you hit the stage, you're like, oh, this is like natural at a point. So I don't know. That shit is some motherfucker.

SPEAKER_03 52:34

Fucking okay.

SPEAKER_02 52:35

I used to be terrified of that shit.

SPEAKER_03 52:37

All right, so on stage, just terrible. Uh did you look it?

SPEAKER_05 52:41

No, it's just I I I got comfortable and then I started getting terrified again because I would forget lyrics.

SPEAKER_03 52:47

I tell people all the time, like, like this shit forget that one time I caught it. I said, that's not how that shit goes, but okay. They didn't catch it though, yeah, but I caught it. Um I tell people, like, oh, you're good to talk. I said, you know what, talking behind the camera is one thing because I'm not looking at a bunch of people, I'm looking at an object. But like, speak, I'm not really one for speaking in front of people. I'm not really one. Like, I can do it if I have to, but I don't want to do it.

SPEAKER_04 53:15

I get it.

SPEAKER_03 53:16

And I'm I'm I'm gonna be nervous up until I get up there and I I have to crack a joke on somebody, either myself or somebody. That's the only way I gotta get comfortable. And once I'm comfortable, I can I can talk, I can shoot shit. I can I can shoot the shit with the best of them once I'm comfortable, but I I have to get to the point of being just comfortable.

SPEAKER_02 53:31

Yeah, comfortable up there because they just so staring at you.

SPEAKER_03 53:35

I'm gonna ask you guys this. If you had to redefine yourself today in five values, five or less, you ain't gotta be five. Give me at least three. What would they be? Values? Yeah, define yourself, yeah. Your core values.

SPEAKER_02 53:50

Loyalty.

SPEAKER_03 53:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 53:53

This shit sounds so stupid and cliche. I hate that shit. But I think that's that's true though. Like loyalty, like honor, like integrity, shit like that. Uh like that's all the same thing, but okay. Loyalty and honor and integrity?

SPEAKER_03 54:12

All the same shit.

SPEAKER_02 54:13

How is loyalty the same as goddamn integrity?

SPEAKER_03 54:20

No question, man. I said loyalty and honor is the same thing. That's what I mean. I'll give you closer to integrity and honor.

SPEAKER_02 54:29

They go hand in hand. But they should go hand in hand. Because there are some and non-integral niggas where you can do it. You know what I'm saying? You say I could do three, but uh I don't know if compassionate is a is that's a value, right?

SPEAKER_01 54:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 54:48

I don't know, nigga.

SPEAKER_01 54:49

Okay, we'll go with that.

SPEAKER_05 54:53

Uh loyalty, persistence, okay, and um perseverance.

SPEAKER_03 55:02

Okay. Now does your current behavior a lot align with those values?

SPEAKER_02 55:08

Yes. I believe so.

SPEAKER_03 55:11

You do? So if we if we cost money right now, they agree. I would believe that nigga.

SPEAKER_02 55:17

That's what the like that's mental.

SPEAKER_05 55:20

I mean, it depends on who the fuck you call. Yeah, that'd be like, oh, Andy? Man, fuck that nigga. You're like, oh damn. Like call some hate dance nigga. That nigga lying his ass off.

SPEAKER_02 55:29

I won't go too far into it, but I was uh one of the kids went to the military and he went somewhere, and then I was like, oh, that's where so-and-so is. Well, I hope he don't run into him because that nigga's gonna be like, you know who? Fuck that.

SPEAKER_03 55:45

Um I would say my values would be strength, like an emotional strength, not physical strength. Um loyalty. Well, I like that you because I wasn't thinking you was over there like I feel like uh loyalty, I do agree with compassion, empathy. And um Well, those go hand in hand. They do. But you can be but you can be compassionate with empathy and uh and caring. Um I I mean overall, I I just want to be I want to be a better person. I I don't I don't necessarily care about how I'm viewed as a person um by those outside of my circles. I I can really care. I just want those that are close to me who funny. I had somebody message me, what's a good number? And I in my mind and I instantly thought about what you say. Nigga, if you don't have my number, that means you have it. Um but those who know me enough who I converse with daily are often uh who can reach me. Um I want them to look at me as a upstanding person, someone who was uh true to themselves and true to the woman.

SPEAKER_05 56:58

But changes are no who asked you? No. Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_03 57:01

It was a cousin. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So um what is what's one thing you're changing this month? Or you're trying to change this month.

SPEAKER_02 57:13

This month? Yes. I'm still working on the guilt shit. I still notice that a lot. Guilt that doesn't need to be there. Or it's like, why the fuck you feel guilty about that? That's dumb.

SPEAKER_05 57:25

So uh being open. That's why I change. Like, I'm just gonna openly say what I feel openly to everyone.

SPEAKER_03 57:35

Okay. You ain't shit, nigga.

SPEAKER_05 57:39

I uh I should have lied today.

SPEAKER_03 57:47

Uh I'm like I said, man, I'm I'm I'm focusing on the uh the uh the temper. I'm focused on that's I felt I feel like I've been focused on this for a long time. Uh it's better than what it used to be, but it's still bad.

SPEAKER_02 58:02

Yesterday. I feel like I've been lucky to not see it. Well, you want you pissing me off, Kevin. I may me maybe not lucky, because maybe I do want to see it. Because sometimes you'd be like, You fucked up.

SPEAKER_00 58:18

Yeah. You ain't pissed me off.

SPEAKER_05 58:20

Yesterday, as was that when you said temper yesterday, me, Patrick, and uh McDougal, we were playing uh 2K, and we were having a good time, and then like one of the motherfuckers that was our teammate opened up his chat and started talking, and that's why I had a post yesterday. But there's them niggas that you ever met them niggas of passive niggas that that say sh sly, shady shit as they're talking, and you're just looking at them like nigga, like you toxic, nigga, and you just don't think you are. Because he was like, uh Patrick kept getting beat, and the guy that he was guarding was hitting threes, and the guy was like, That's crazy, man. He just hitting threes on you. I said, Fuck does this nigga come from? Yeah. So I was another player I came off the court and I forced a shot. And he goes, That's crazy, man. You just gonna try to take it with two people on you. I'm wide open. I think niggas wanna lose. And I caught myself because I wanted to cuss him the fuck out, but I didn't want to ruin it from Dougle or Patrick because I was about to cuss him the foot. I was like, nigga, over one play, and then he the next play he found somebody, he had like three-point free throws. I was like, I would want to say, nigga, that's crazy. It's like niggas just want us to lose. I hear foul people from the three-point line. Like, did you say that? No, I wanted to though. That's my favorite. That's my favorite.

SPEAKER_02 59:33

He's not even cussing them out.

SPEAKER_03 59:34

That's just petty. But I already know what's gonna go. I would have all over that shit.

SPEAKER_02 59:39

That's crazy. When they gonna fight, I'd be like, um, that's where I try to make niggas feel stupid until they're like, well, I guess it's going there. So we're gonna fight. Yeah. Yeah. This grown ass nigga, you gonna fight me.

SPEAKER_03 59:50

So it's not like Patrick pay uh defense on 2K as they do in the gym.

SPEAKER_05 59:55

I'm not. He's still he has his players still got low rating. I'm a big one.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:00

I don't play with that shit. The internet. I'd rather fight than be on the internet with niggas like where I'm like, they might just find my shit and be like, dude, oh shit.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:12

I don't say it don't matter because as soon as I said what I said, he said, fuck you, Mo. Uh but I just wanted to uh let you guys know that you are not your trauma, you are not a title, you are not your past mistakes. You are the man you're choosing to build next. You are who you're becoming. And I applaud you, gentlemen, and whoever's out there going to any type of therapy, I applaud you for the growth that you're taking the actions in your life to become a better version of yourself. This has been another episode of the Heavyweight Collective. I'm your host this week, Molito here with these two gentlemen. And until next time, like, subscribe, share, comment, all that shit. We love y'all. Peace.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:55

Two things. Joe Patino for Shop Stewards.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:59

Yes. Oh, Joe Patino, fuck you.

SPEAKER_05 1:01:02

And shout out to the growers and not the showers.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:11

That's rent, you know. That's that's how she wrap. So make sure, click like, subscribe. Tune in. We're on our room platform, so until next time.